Me Expressing I Need Change Now
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|Posted on January 19, 2021 at 2:03 PM|
Where’s My Daddy
I’m writing this blog in hope of touching anyone that has ever asked themselves, “Where is my Daddy or Mommy?”. In past blogs, I’ve focused on helping you to understand that Negative Cycles are real. I’m reaching out to Anyone that will listen, not for knowledge, gossip, or even negativity. I want to touch Those that are in need of breaking cycles, “traits”, passed on from generations before them. My blogs are written - not from books, college degrees or even social media influence - but from my purpose. It’s my purpose, passion and a promise that I prayed for at the age of three. “Please Lord, let me get old, and I promise I will make it right”. Every word written is totally from personal experience...
From my Life
Let me start two generations before me, then end two generations after me. My grandfather (paternal) welcomed a little boy into the world in October 1934. I don’t know the entirety of the story, only bits and pieces of the hurt my father endured. Even now at 86, I can see that little boy in him, asking who and where is his daddy. Yes, he had seven step fathers; he also had broken memories that to this day touch the depths of his soul. Questions like “Why?”, “Where are you?”, and- perhaps most hurtful of all - “What did I do to you?” My father was told there were two possibilities, but “They” were just not sure which one might be his biological father. For years growing up, that question kept him guessing, hanging on, while waiting for an answer.
One day he decided to choose one, bringing closure to the agonizing thought, “ Will my real father please claim me?”. Even though neither man was in his life, this brought peace to a young teenager who desperately needed a Daddy. When my dad turned 84 he asked me to get him one of those DNA testing kits and run a test on him. For weeks he would call and ask if the results had come in yet. When the results finally came back, I went to visit my father. Dad was excited; he looked like a little boy, with a face that said, “Tell me! Tell me! I have waited way too long!”.
All the years that had gone by with him KNOWING he made the right choice about who his father was...
Dad and I were in a high school library when I gave him the results - they were not what he had wanted. When he heard me announce, “Your dad is not who you thought it was”, Dad collapsed. I felt his pain, sobbing with him, not for his journey, but for mine. You see, my father and I were separated when he and my mother divorced. I was two. For years I endured story after story of my father, sometimes only bits and pieces, Always wondering “Where’s my Daddy?”
My father had seven step-dads, I only had one. At the age of nine, my father came to visit me. “Hey! That’s my father!”. He was tall, muscular, and I was told he was very good at martial arts. “Wow!” were the thoughts speeding through my brain. I was happy, excited, “This is really him!”
I spent the whole day with him, grinning the entire day. When it was time for him to leave, he walked me to my front porch, gave me a hug and told me he loved me. That was the last time I saw him. Gone, heck he didn't even tell me he was leaving. When I realized he had left me again, I was back to “Why, where is he, and what did I do wrong?”.
It was 10 years after that day that my father came back into my life, this time for good. However the anger and pain I had to endure while he was away was excruciating. My stepfather was a very abusive man. Many times while beatings occurred, I thought “Where's my daddy? He knows martial arts and he will save me.” He never rescued me. Hey, he told me he loved me, right? Those same cycles my father went through, I now experience. Do you see a cycle? Well it didn't stop with me.
At the young age of 17 I became a father. I welcomed a beautiful little girl into this life. Not long after she was born, this damaged little boy (on the inside) could not be a father, and I left. Just as my father, and his father, and maybe even my great- grandfather. This cycle started somewhere...
June 3rd 1980, my daughter had turned seven. I called her to say happy birthday. When I asked her if she knew who she was talking to she answered “My daddy.” As we were ending our call, I told her I loved her and that I would visit her. After that phone conversation, we had no other contact until she was 19.
Are you noticing a cycle?
My daughter is now 47 and we have a great relationship even though there are gaps, years of her wondering “Where's my daddy? He told me he loved me, and he would come see me.” She’s been living with this pain for years. We don't get those years back, this I know... How do I know? Because it happened to me.
Finally, my number two granddaughter was separated from not just her mother, but her father as well. She was in the 2nd grade., and was taken to a place for an opportunity to follow her dreams. Flown from Hawaii to the mainland and raised by her grandparents. Once again, someone of my bloodline was raised without her parents, as three generations before her have endured.
Make no mistake, cycles or “traits” are real. The great news is those cycles can be broken. I can honestly say scars in your heart can heal, however, they never go away. After many years and a lot of hard work, our bloodline of five generations has broken that cycle. My father now enjoys time with his great great grandchildren. No more “Where's my daddy?” or “My mommy loves me but she’s not here.”
Have you ever looked at your family? More so your parents, and seen the cycles that have been passed through them? I pray this blog has opened your eyes and created some awareness within your heart, so you can now see that change is possible. Answers for those that say “I do not want to be like my parents.”
Remember you never asked for pain; all you ever wanted was to be loved. You have a choice, not for you, but for your kids, and their kids for generations to follow!