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Me Expressing I Need Change Now

My Blog


"Where's My Daddy?"

Posted on January 19, 2021 at 2:03 PM
Where’s My Daddy

I’m writing this blog in hope of touching anyone that has ever asked themselves,  “Where is my Daddy or Mommy?”. In past blogs, I’ve focused on helping you to understand that  Negative Cycles are real. I’m reaching out to Anyone that will listen, not for knowledge, gossip, or even  negativity. I want to touch Those that are in need of breaking cycles, “traits”, passed on from generations  before them. My blogs are written - not from books, college degrees or even social  media influence - but from my purpose. It’s my purpose, passion and a promise that I prayed for at the age of three. “Please Lord, let me get old, and I promise I will  make it right”. Every word written is totally from personal experience...  

From my Life

Let me start two generations before me, then end two generations after me. My grandfather (paternal) welcomed a little boy into the world in  October 1934. I don’t know the entirety of the story, only bits and pieces of the hurt  my father endured. Even now at 86, I can see that little boy in him, asking who and where is his daddy. Yes, he had seven step fathers; he also had broken memories that to this day  touch the depths of his soul. Questions like “Why?”, “Where are you?”, and- perhaps most  hurtful of all - “What did I do to you?” My father was told there were two possibilities, but “They” were just  not sure which one might be his biological father. For years growing up, that question kept  him guessing, hanging on, while waiting for an answer.  

One day he decided to choose one, bringing closure to the agonizing  thought, “ Will my real father please claim me?”. Even though neither man was in his life, this brought peace to a young  teenager who desperately needed a Daddy. When my dad turned 84 he asked me to  get him one of those DNA testing kits and run a test on him. For weeks he would call and ask if the results had come in yet. When the results finally came back, I went to visit  my father.  Dad was excited; he looked like a little boy, with a face that said, “Tell me! Tell me! I  have waited way too long!”. 
All the years that had gone by with him KNOWING he made the right  choice about who his father was... 

Dad and I were in a high school library when I gave  him the results - they were not what he had wanted. When he heard me announce, “Your dad is not  who you thought it was”, Dad collapsed. I felt his pain, sobbing with him, not for his  journey, but for mine. You see, my father and I were separated when he and my mother  divorced. I was two. For years I endured story after story of my father, sometimes only  bits and pieces, Always wondering “Where’s my Daddy?”  

My father had seven step-dads, I only had one. At the age of nine, my father  came to visit me. “Hey! That’s my father!”. He was tall, muscular, and I was told he  was very good at martial arts. “Wow!” were the thoughts speeding through my brain. I was happy, excited, “This is really him!” 
I spent the whole day with him, grinning the entire day.  When it was time for him to leave, he walked me to my front porch, gave me a hug and  told me he loved me. That was the last time I saw him. Gone, heck he didn't even tell  me he was leaving. When I realized he had left me again, I was back to “Why, where is he,  and what did I do wrong?”. 

It was 10 years after that day that my father came back into my life,  this time for good. However the anger and pain I had to endure while he was away was  excruciating. My stepfather was a very abusive man. Many times while beatings  occurred, I thought “Where's my daddy? He knows martial arts and he will save me.” He  never rescued me. Hey, he told me he loved me, right? Those same cycles my father went  through, I now experience. Do you see a cycle? Well it didn't stop with me. 

At the young age of 17 I became a father. I welcomed a beautiful little girl into this life. Not long after she was born, this damaged little boy (on the inside) could not be a father, and I left. Just  as my father, and his father, and maybe even my great- grandfather. This cycle started  somewhere...
June 3rd 1980, my daughter had turned seven. I called her to say happy  birthday. When I asked her if she knew who she was talking to she answered “My daddy.”  As we were ending our call, I told her I loved her and that I would visit her. After that phone  conversation, we had no other contact until she was 19. 

Are you noticing a cycle? 

My  daughter is now 47 and we have a great relationship even though there are gaps, years of her wondering “Where's my daddy? He told me he loved me, and he would come see me.” She’s been living with this pain for years. We don't get those years back, this I know...  How do I know? Because it happened to me. 
Finally, my number two granddaughter was separated from not just her mother,  but her father as well. She was in the 2nd grade., and was taken to a place for an opportunity to follow  her dreams. Flown from Hawaii to the mainland and raised by her grandparents. Once  again, someone of my bloodline was raised without her parents, as three generations before  her have endured. 

Make no mistake, cycles or “traits” are real. The great news is those cycles can be broken. I can honestly say scars in your heart can heal, however, they  never go away. After many years and a lot of hard work, our bloodline of five generations  has broken that cycle. My father now enjoys time with his great great grandchildren.  No more “Where's my daddy?” or “My mommy loves me but she’s not here.” 

Have you ever looked at your family? More so your parents, and seen the cycles that have been passed through them? I pray this blog has opened your eyes and created some awareness within your heart, so you can now see that change is possible.  Answers for those that say “I do not want to be like my parents.” 

Remember you never  asked for pain; all you ever wanted was to be loved. You have a choice, not for you, but  for your kids, and their kids for generations to follow!

Categories: child abuse, life cycles, Domestic Violence