Me Expressing I Need Change Now
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|Posted on January 19, 2021 at 2:03 PM||comments ()|
Where’s My Daddy
I’m writing this blog in hope of touching anyone that has ever asked themselves, “Where is my Daddy or Mommy?”. In past blogs, I’ve focused on helping you to understand that Negative Cycles are real. I’m reaching out to Anyone that will listen, not for knowledge, gossip, or even negativity. I want to touch Those that are in need of breaking cycles, “traits”, passed on from generations before them. My blogs are written - not from books, college degrees or even social media influence - but from my purpose. It’s my purpose, passion and a promise that I prayed for at the age of three. “Please Lord, let me get old, and I promise I will make it right”. Every word written is totally from personal experience...
From my Life
Let me start two generations before me, then end two generations after me. My grandfather (paternal) welcomed a little boy into the world in October 1934. I don’t know the entirety of the story, only bits and pieces of the hurt my father endured. Even now at 86, I can see that little boy in him, asking who and where is his daddy. Yes, he had seven step fathers; he also had broken memories that to this day touch the depths of his soul. Questions like “Why?”, “Where are you?”, and- perhaps most hurtful of all - “What did I do to you?” My father was told there were two possibilities, but “They” were just not sure which one might be his biological father. For years growing up, that question kept him guessing, hanging on, while waiting for an answer.
One day he decided to choose one, bringing closure to the agonizing thought, “ Will my real father please claim me?”. Even though neither man was in his life, this brought peace to a young teenager who desperately needed a Daddy. When my dad turned 84 he asked me to get him one of those DNA testing kits and run a test on him. For weeks he would call and ask if the results had come in yet. When the results finally came back, I went to visit my father. Dad was excited; he looked like a little boy, with a face that said, “Tell me! Tell me! I have waited way too long!”.
All the years that had gone by with him KNOWING he made the right choice about who his father was...
Dad and I were in a high school library when I gave him the results - they were not what he had wanted. When he heard me announce, “Your dad is not who you thought it was”, Dad collapsed. I felt his pain, sobbing with him, not for his journey, but for mine. You see, my father and I were separated when he and my mother divorced. I was two. For years I endured story after story of my father, sometimes only bits and pieces, Always wondering “Where’s my Daddy?”
My father had seven step-dads, I only had one. At the age of nine, my father came to visit me. “Hey! That’s my father!”. He was tall, muscular, and I was told he was very good at martial arts. “Wow!” were the thoughts speeding through my brain. I was happy, excited, “This is really him!”
I spent the whole day with him, grinning the entire day. When it was time for him to leave, he walked me to my front porch, gave me a hug and told me he loved me. That was the last time I saw him. Gone, heck he didn't even tell me he was leaving. When I realized he had left me again, I was back to “Why, where is he, and what did I do wrong?”.
It was 10 years after that day that my father came back into my life, this time for good. However the anger and pain I had to endure while he was away was excruciating. My stepfather was a very abusive man. Many times while beatings occurred, I thought “Where's my daddy? He knows martial arts and he will save me.” He never rescued me. Hey, he told me he loved me, right? Those same cycles my father went through, I now experience. Do you see a cycle? Well it didn't stop with me.
At the young age of 17 I became a father. I welcomed a beautiful little girl into this life. Not long after she was born, this damaged little boy (on the inside) could not be a father, and I left. Just as my father, and his father, and maybe even my great- grandfather. This cycle started somewhere...
June 3rd 1980, my daughter had turned seven. I called her to say happy birthday. When I asked her if she knew who she was talking to she answered “My daddy.” As we were ending our call, I told her I loved her and that I would visit her. After that phone conversation, we had no other contact until she was 19.
Are you noticing a cycle?
My daughter is now 47 and we have a great relationship even though there are gaps, years of her wondering “Where's my daddy? He told me he loved me, and he would come see me.” She’s been living with this pain for years. We don't get those years back, this I know... How do I know? Because it happened to me.
Finally, my number two granddaughter was separated from not just her mother, but her father as well. She was in the 2nd grade., and was taken to a place for an opportunity to follow her dreams. Flown from Hawaii to the mainland and raised by her grandparents. Once again, someone of my bloodline was raised without her parents, as three generations before her have endured.
Make no mistake, cycles or “traits” are real. The great news is those cycles can be broken. I can honestly say scars in your heart can heal, however, they never go away. After many years and a lot of hard work, our bloodline of five generations has broken that cycle. My father now enjoys time with his great great grandchildren. No more “Where's my daddy?” or “My mommy loves me but she’s not here.”
Have you ever looked at your family? More so your parents, and seen the cycles that have been passed through them? I pray this blog has opened your eyes and created some awareness within your heart, so you can now see that change is possible. Answers for those that say “I do not want to be like my parents.”
Remember you never asked for pain; all you ever wanted was to be loved. You have a choice, not for you, but for your kids, and their kids for generations to follow!
|Posted on May 4, 2020 at 4:14 PM||comments ()|
April 27, 2020
What, Why, No way, that’s not right and what a sick individual. For God’s sake, why does she stay with him and what about the children? That’s how the rest of us would respond to someone who is allowing themselves to be abused. We obviously question why they would not leave, what inhibitors are in place for them to remain in this type of relationship. For those of us that have been there, suffered the embarrassment, the physical and emotional scars, it is not over at the end of the day, it will last forever. In my fourth blog I will revisit generational cycles of negativity (traits) as passed down from generation to generation. Hopefully provoking thoughts as to how a majority of people do not understand how this can even happen, let alone for decades or generations.
I am that person in my family's generational cycles of negativity. Yup, that’s right, an alcoholic mother and stepfather, eighteen elementary, nine middle, and one high school attended, and a father at seventeen, I broke the link in that chain, seems impossible doesn’t it? The first step towards change is recognizing that something is wrong, out of the norm or an altered perception of reality. Think of an alcoholic finally mustering up the courage to attend an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting for the first time. Opening up to others by sharing personal struggles with alcoholism is not easy. However, following through with the treatment plan is the first step to acknowledging change is possible. A change that will allow this person to remain sober for years even though everyday sobriety is a challenge.
Negative cycles work the same way, let me explain. Were you as a child in a home or environment where domestic violence was present? I was, I witnessed my step father physically and mentally abusing my mother over and over. I want to share my experience with domestic violence from my first memories starting at the age of three. I was twenty-three when my mother passed away, on mother’s day, from years of alcoholism and abuse, she was only forty-four years old.
What could possibly cause such ugliness that is always filled with pain and fear? A relationship controlled with “do as I say or else”, constant beatings that could not be concealed with make-up or sunglasses. Mental abuse can result in low self-esteem, self respect, and a loss of even the slightest amount of human dignity. My mother was controlled in every way possible, a stay at home mom raising children, cooking and cleaning. Even being stripped of financial responsibilities in the home, she did not have the opportunity or knowledge to pay bills or even keep a checkbook, all this was controlled by the “alpha” abuser, my stepfather.
Close friends and family were kept out of her life using me as leverage knowing that nothing is as sacred as a mothers’ love for her child. Surviving under the constant fear that any minor action could be the next trigger for a beating ….. always ending with “keep your mouth shut!” and “don’t even think about leaving”. “I will find you and I promise I will kill you” were constant threats from my step father. Once again, the infliction of fear and pain, the desire for total control by the alpha abuser. Does this sound somewhat familiar to those of you who have endured such ugliness?
At the age of sixteen I ran away and was adopted by a very loving family, believing I could be removed from this abusive environment and find a new path. That was a lie, it did not get better, it became worse! The entire time you are in this toxic relationship traits are being developed in your children. Your little girl will more than likely grow up and mimic your behaviors allowing her significant other to do the same thing to her. Your handsome son may grow up to be that “alpha” male, an abuser, just like the man that abused his mother. You can continue to deny all you want, a significant percentage of those abused will carry this trait. Traits or cycles are like leeches, they attach themselves and act as triggers to those who were raised in an abusive environment. Most of us that suffer from this have a very difficult time explaining why we act the way we do. Have you ever been told you sound just like your mother or you look just like your father, these are traits and cycles.
I am sharing this information with you as a first hand survivor, I know this because I am one of them, that’s right, I became an abuser just like my stepfather. I write this blog with a heavy heart, because at the age of twenty-six I became that “alpha” male, that abuser. I still ponder how the hell this could happen, I was so happy to finally get away from that environment, determined not to be like my stepfather. In retrospect I still do not understand where it really began, was it with the yelling and verbal threats that eventually turned into physical violence? W.T.F.! One day I finally said “How”, Why and that was not right, this is not who I had envisioned myself becoming as a man. It took a lot of “guts” to find help, just one session with a professional therapist was all I needed. I did not know why I had become this way, hearing it from someone else made all the difference. I had developed the traits that my stepfather had instilled or passed on to me, I was becoming the exact version of him.
I CHANGED right there, on that chair, in that room, at that facility, and on that day! Simply put, don’t let your children develop traits or cycles of negativity, change is possible. Mothers’ Day is coming soon, this only reminds me of the ugliness she and I endured, there was a lot of blood, sweat, tears and years shed between us. Yet, we kept returning to the same environment because my step father would use coercion phrases like; “I’m sorry”, “I love you”, and “I promise I will change”. Nothing but lies!
Don’t be a victim any longer, you have the strength to change your future if you choose. Yes, I will fully acknowledge that it is not easy, I know this. Remember, cycles of negativity can be broken, just like a link in a chain. There are many organizations that deal with domestic violence, one particular one, close to my heart, “A New Dawn” a non-profit based in Clearfield, Utah. This organization helps mothers and children become survivors, an opportunity to feel love and happiness, not fear and pain.
In Loving Memory of
Patricia L. Smith
June 13, 1934 to May 13, 1979
Happy Mothers Day,
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